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Where you're either looking for a fix, or just plain bananas

Monday, June 26, 2006
written by Monkey

I hate Larry the Cable Guy...

This guy has created an entire generation of wanna-be rednecks... I actually saw a guy's business card once that said "Git-r-done lawn maintenance" ><
When I saw this I had to laugh.. hard ... so to all of you camouflage wearin' truck drivin' wanna-be rednecks... here is your god

Limbaugh busted for drugs again...

written by Monkey

... This time it was Viagra that wasn't prescribed. They found it while he was getting off of an airplane. They may charge him with a second degree misdemeanor.
Does anyone else see the humor in this? :D

Article here


Thursday, June 22, 2006
written by Java Junkie

I might be away for awhile. I don't know. I don't know anything right now.

My Tover called me tonight to tell me my mother's dead. That's all I can write right now. I hope you all understand.

Random Conversation Quips

Tuesday, June 20, 2006
written by Java Junkie

I'm going to post this once a week, or try anyway. Here's some tidbits of conversation in our house over the last week


Me: How do you email somebody?

Monkey: Uh honey? {insert perplexed and worried look} I haven't heard that question since I worked at a help desk.

Ya Think?

*as we're taking the most scenic trail in Wildwood Preserve*

Monkey: Some really big critter is over there.

Me: Oh? How big?

Monkey: Big enough to move that whole tree *pointing to a rather large uprooted tree*

*20 feet down the path*

Me: Hear that?

Monkey: Yeah. It's probably that critter.

*as I look for the sound and spot the culprits*

Me: Aw. It's two chipmunks over there playing in those leaves.

Monkey: Well it can't be the critter then.

(side note: I'd be pretty fucking scared of a chipmunk that could shake a whole large uprooted tree. I would imagine it would be a harmless brown fluffy chipmunk ... with a set of {British accent} "nasty, sharp, pointy teef.")


*as we're climbing into bed for the night*

Me: Don't touch me with your bent elbow!

It's Our Little Secret

Me: *something edited*

Monkey: Oh yeah?? *something edited*

Me: *giggling* *something edited corrected*

Monkey: I could have sworn you said *something edited*

*roaring laughter from me*

Monkey: That one does NOT go in the conversation blog post for the week. *snicker*

Dream analysis needed...

Monday, June 19, 2006
written by Monkey

So I'm kinda new to this whole dreaming thing... I've had sleep apnea for years and have just recently gotten it treated so just recently started having dreams.
I'm not really sure where this dream came from (other then maybe drug laced cookies) but it makes no sense to me at all.
Essentially the entire dream was about underwater vampire robots. When they bit humans they turned them into half robot/vampires and I was like Blade hunting them down even though I was one of them. I also had the help of a human who eventually got turned into one. We were in some future underwater world (however somehow when we were indoors we had legs and when we weren't we had propellers) with sharks everywhere.

Can anyone help me or am I beyond help?


9/11 theorists make a valid point

Saturday, June 17, 2006
written by Monkey

I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm usually the one saying "theres no way thats possible", but something made me want to watch this video so I did.
They make an unbelievably convincing story backed up by good solid information. When you have an hour free you NEED to watch this movie. I think everyone should.
Let me know what you think.


Toothpaste caps and Knights in Shining White Armor.

Friday, June 16, 2006
written by Java Junkie

Today was a brutally tired day for me. And luckily, my eldest was here to pick up my pieces, so to speak. I laid down for a nap when Parker did and awoke at 2:00 this afternoon, Parker happily playing in the living room, his big brother watching over him. I tried for the rest of the day to keep up so that Lou could actually have a normal day and I did ok, but Lou still had to help. Mother nature or MY ambitious nature or both are just really picking a fight with me for the last couple days and they're kicking my butt.

I thought it was for this reason that there seemed to be some tension between Monkey and I tonight. I thought I was, quite honestly, being a bit hormonal and slightly on the bitchy side. I tried to be aware of what I was saying or doing but I kept seeming to step on Monkey's toes without trying or wanting to. After dinner and watching our TIVO'd
So You Think You Can Dance and retiring to our bedroom/office/game room I decided to apologize for being difficult to live with today. What I found out was that it wasn't today that was bothering Monkey. It was the post I made below.

Now before some of you get the wrong impression, Monkey wasn't upset that I had posted something a little critical about him. His point was 100% valid. He was upset that was the only thing I've posted about him on this blog and that those that don't know him except through this blog would have a rather disproportionate opinion of him. Or, in his words, I "made (him) sound like an asshole." And you know what? He's right. When you ONLY hear something negative about a person you tend to only think negatively about that person.. So I'm here to set the record straight.

My post was about what I call "toothpaste caps." Some of you may relate better to "underwear on the bathroom floor." When someone leaves the cap off the toothpaste night after night and it's just that one little thing that what one, who might otherwise be your Knight in Shining Armor, does that really irritates the crap out of you. And for the record, I probably leave my pajamas on the bathroom floor just as often as Monkey does. ;)

So let me tell you a few of the reasons I'm LUCKY to be with Monkey. For starters, the man simply has very little in the way of expectations from or of me. Either that means he knows me well enough that the things he would normally expect from someone he knows he doesn't need to expect from me or it means that he loves me unconditionally in the true sense of the word or it means a bit or a lot of both. I don't know. But what I do know is that when it's been a bit since I've felt up to doing my chores, such as mopping the kitchen floor or cleaning the bathrooms, he's never once complained. When I'm too tired to cook, he understands and somehow we figure it out.

He stepped up to the parenting plate with Lou, our eldest, only 4 years ago and has never once let me down. Granted, he was out of his element many times and there was a learning curve, but the man truly WANTED to learn it. He truly WANTED to be a good dad for Lou, not just date Lou's mom. He's been to every teacher conference, he's been involved in every parental decision, he's never said "I don't care" when trying to decide what was best for Lou. Hell, we live where we live because Monkey feels as strongly as I do that it was important for Lou to remain in the same school district that he's been for the last 3 years. He truly loves Lou and he truly loves Parker. To Monkey, they're just as much a part of his family as I am, individually or together as our children.

Monkey also does 100% of the grocery shopping. We've had to pick our household chores based on what I am capable of contributing. I can clean the bathrooms because I can do the sinks, toilets, tubs and floors on entirely different days if I need to. The laundry became his chore in our old apartment because the laundry room for our building was 3 floors below us and when I was pregnant for Parker, going up and down those stairs like that often put me into contractions. That's also a bit of why I didn't (too much) mind folding loads he had done. Although I do have to admit that it is a toothpaste cap that he almost never folds the loads he washes. But that's just how he is. He typically does not care if the t shirt he's wearing looks like it was a make shift rope in a tug of war contest between WWE superstars.

He works at a job that he's insanely over qualified for essentially doing manual labor that a, well, monkey could do, for the most part. There's no where for him to be promoted to since it's just him, the owner, and one other guy that's worked there for 15 years. He does this to put food on our table and a roof over our heads. Oh, and to keep our eldest in the same school system he's been in for the last 3 years.

And lastly, Monkey loves me no matter what I look like. I often joke with him that I could roll in poo and he would still think I was beautiful. And you know what, I believe this 100%. Not because he has some sick fetish with poo (ok peanut gallery, no poo throwing monkey jokes, please) but because he truly loves me with all of his heart. And I, him.

I really could go on forever. I could. But you guys would either get bored or sick to your stomach or both. So in short, for the record, my Knight in Shining Armor just happens to be a Monkey. A Monkey that sometimes leaves the figurative toothpaste cap off and doesn't throw poo.

She was such a nice, quiet girl...

written by Java Junkie

I swear to God, if I don't end up being the girl that cracked and killed her entire family with a toothbrush this week it will be a miracle. Then I'm going to go after that little asshole, Murphy and his stupid law. Allow me to explain.

Lou got out of school for summer a week ago today, which is still Thursday in my book since I haven't gone to bed yet. That same day I
made some decisions regarding my health. As a consequence of actually sticking to these goals, for the most part (especially the walking) combined with my PEBV CFIDS, I'm Beat with a capital B, underscored. That's ok though, because I expected it. In order to get ya gotta give a bit, right?

Being able to expect it I thought would be a good thing. I spoke to Lou and Monkey about how I really would need them to do the things they're responsible for. This means Lou would need to clean up after dinner and do the dishes, take out the garbage and empty the cat litter once a week. It meant that Monkey would have to be responsible for the laundry. I knew I'd be wiped out and I wouldn't be able to "make up" for their housekeeping short comings. I truly thought I had their support.

As I type this there is a mountain, literally, of laundry, both clean and dirty, mixed together on my bedroom FLOOR. I have to fear for my life, risking tripping over the spillage to go to the restroom in the middle of the night. The dishes have been been left until the next morning more than half the nights this week, and even when they are there's all the "finishing touches" one usually does when doing the dishes. You know, wiping off the counter, off the stove, etc. Garbage has been left until it's spilling over the back of the trash can. While the cat litter was changed, there is a virtual sandbox on the laundry room floor because what Lou spilled while changing it, he didn't clean up.

For the most part I've held my tongue. I'm a pretty firm believer in if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem but to be honest at this point in time I'm starting to believe that IS the problem. In the past if Lou didn't wipe the counters off after dinner and I noticed, I would simply grab a sponge and do it myself. If Monkey didn't fold the laundry after a couple days I'd simply drag it out into the living room and do it for him. There have only been a couple times in the last week where I nagged to either of them about doing their jobs. But tonight takes the cake.

Not to relay too much information, but on TOP of hiking twice at Wildwood Park and going for a mile walk followed by a playground romp once within the last 5 days, I've been paying my monthly bill for the last two days. I'm beat. I'm so beat that throwing a hot dog in the microwave for Parker's lunch seems like a task. When I get this beat I also get insomnia pretty badly. Sounds ironic, I know, but it's because I'm so physically tired that I don't even have the energy to do the things that I normally do to tire my mind out. So tonight I laid in bed playing
Animal Crossing on the DS until I was so beat I knew I wouldn't lay in bed thinking about all the things I wish I had the energy to do that day. When it finally worked, I got up to make the rounds. You know, make sure the windows and doors are locked, feed the cats, etc. After doing the first, I made my way to the laundry room to feed the cats into their nightly food coma.

I get into the laundry room and there, on the cat litter box, is the 12 pack of paper towels that Monkey had brought home earlier. A mere 2 feet from the cupboard it's suppose to go into. I don't know about you but I'm not very thrilled at the thought of drying my hands, my face or any other surface with a paper product that's been sitting on top of a cat shitter. I sigh, grab the package and hoist it up onto one of the three boxes in this house left to be unpacked, knowing that I have to pull the cat food out of the same cupboard off the same shelf to feed the cats anyway and figuring I'll just put the paper towel into the cupboard after I do that since they go behind the cat food. I open up the cupboard, no cat food. Not as in we ran out and someone forgot to tell Monkey we needed more but as in Lou fed the cats last night and who knows where the cat food is. Thinking it might be in the box I just threw the paper towels on top of I grab the package to hoist it into the cupboard and *crash*ssssssssssss* a whole entire tub of oxyclean spills into the washing machine because someone left it on top of the dryer with it's lid off instead of putting it back onto the shelves above the washer and dryer with the lid on. The culprit's article of washing is still in the washing machine and now half covered with oxyclean... My eldest son's army back pack. So here I am at 2:00 in the morning scooping oxyclean out of a wash machine, back into the tub because the paper towels Monkey didn't put away when he brought them home knocked the oxyclean that my son left on the dryer and open into the washing machine when all I wanted to do in the first place was feed the friggen cats! Which reminds me, where the hell is the cat food?!? Oh! There it is, why didn't I realize it would be on top of the DVD rack in my bedroom?!? That's right where it belongs!

And the kicker? After finishing scooping up what I can and throwing the knapsack in for another washing since it's now encrusted with oxyclean I notice my jeans are as well and decide to take those off and throw those in too. I head to the bedroom to put on my PJ's and back into the laundry room where I kick over the cats' water dish that was left in the middle of the 2' wide walk space in the laundry room by my eldest when he fed the cats the night before and somehow I missed the first time. Now the bottom of my pj's are soaked, the laundry room floor is soaked AND covered in cat litter and the cats are pissed because they now have to stand in water to eat. And you know what? I don't give a rat's patooty. I'm going to bed. Just ignore the screaming you hear from my house, it'll only be Monkey howling from the pinch I am SO going to give his butt when I crawl into bed. Goodnight.

Updated Flickr

Thursday, June 15, 2006
written by Java Junkie

For those of you that were interested in larger pictures of some of the ones below, I've updated my flickr with 10 of the shots from that day. Not all of the ones below are there and there are a few that aren't below that are but eventually they'll all, or at least mostly, get there.

The perfect fathers day gift...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006
written by Monkey

... to tell dad he's your bitch.

The Daddle

Replica of Roethlisberger's motorcycle helmet on eBay!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006
written by Monkey

This is an exact replica of the helmet Big Ben was wearing when he got into his accident on Monday.


The item has been relisted so this post can have meaning again.

A Visit with Mother Nature

written by Java Junkie

Various shots from our Wildwood Preserve visit Sunday. First the more interesting shots.

This one sort of looked like an animal to me. There's clearly a snouth, mouth and two ears. I took MANY pictures of odd formations in trees that looked like monsters or animals were hiding amongst the trees but this is the only one that really turned out. Manual focus is hard for me since my eyes are worse with my glasses on that Monkey's are with his off.

Most of these I'll be putting larger sizes up on my flickr account if anyone's interested for whatever reason, along with some others probably. Be sure to keep scrolling down to the post below this one for the other few photos that I've gotten together from this so far. :)

A Visit with Mother Nature continued

written by Java Junkie

below are more shots from the same visit, although the ones below might be blurry, etc. they're still worthy of a blog post :) These will have commentary, too ;)

A very odd tree trunk.

One of the few shots I got of this beautiful creature who graced us with her presence not mere feet from us. It's blurry because I was so excited to see such an unexpected hostess that I was shaking. Although it looks like she's running in the photo, she's not. She calmly, though cautiously, walked in an arc around us, remaining pace until my eldest decided to argue that he didn't need to remain calm and quiet in order to not scare her off, when she picked up speed to a trot. She finally bolted when a couple with a poofball pursedog came down the trail behind us and the dog had an identity crisis, thinking it was much bigger than one of this girl's hoofs, which it wasn't.

I took probably a dozen pictures of this ravine trying to show it's depth and beauty but just could not get the right angle. Keep in mind, the kid you see in the picture (my eldest) is 6' tall ;)

Two of the tallest birch trees I've ever seen in my life. Yes, those are OTHER tree tops they're towering over.

Baby pine cones, aren't they adorable?

There are two more pictures that I'd like to post but Blogger's being a knob and I don't feel like creating a 4th post for this entry hah. Look for the little versions on my flickr account I guess. :)

Yesterday, more to come

Monday, June 12, 2006
written by Java Junkie

Yesterday my family went to a nearby wildlife preserve, Wildwood Preserve Metropark. The page linked, although the "official" page for the park doesn't talk much about the wilderness trails that wind through it's 493 acres of forests, streams, and prairies. Near the bottom of the page, however, is a video about the park and the other wildlife and metro parks in the area. At 5:31 of the video you'll see a woman walking on a trail with her two children, one in a stroller. This is much of what we experienced on the trail we took yesterday. It was one of the most peaceful and warm times I've had in awhile.

Currently I'm wading through the 83 pictures that I didn't delete from the trip (there were twice that total) and seeing which are worthy for posting here, which are worthy for uploading to my flickr account, and which are worth keeping as a photographer. While I do that, however, here's one of my favorites of the day for you to enjoy.

Have you ever...

Friday, June 09, 2006
written by Monkey

Have you ever done anything that you haven't done in years and realized how out of shape you are?
I haven't played basketball in about 12 years... now granted in that time I've probably smoked a gazillion cigarettes and eaten almost as many big macs but I've at least quit smoking since then... I'm so freakin out of shape... I played basketball by myself for about 45 minutes after cutting the grass and moving some stuff in the garage and I feel like I wanna curl up into a ball and die.
Someone please help me get off my fat ass!

Church of Scientology buying a NASCAR sponsorship

Thursday, June 08, 2006
written by Monkey

No really, it's true.

My question is, why do they need to advertise? Shouldn't a religion sell itself? Especially one that has John Travolta believing that when he dies he's going to be transported to an alien planet.


Wednesday, June 07, 2006
written by Java Junkie

I debated what to name this post for most of the days since this day. Beautiful day. Beautiful People. Beautiful Moments. I settled on what fits best. This was the most beautiful moment in my life outside of the birth of my sons and meeting Monkey in person for the first time. It was the first time in over 20 years I have seen my sister, Niki, and the very first time I got to meet her wonderful family. I have to warn you, there are LOTS of pics, and the majority of them are of my sister, Niki aka CC. But hey, they're the ONLY photos I have of her given that I haven't seen her in over 20 years so you guys can just put up with me being a proud proud proud big sister. *smile*

This is my sister, Niki. Isn't she beautiful?

Her husband, Michael, and Muffinest. They're pretty damned beautiful, too, don't you think?

I know this one's dark but if you look closely I dare you not to be enchanted with that beautiful smile... Seriously.

If anyone tries to argue that this isn't the most beautiful baby girl on the planet ...

Or the most beautiful baby boy then they have some SERIOUS eye problems and need to see an optomitrist immediately before they injure someone in a car accident.

A beautiful moment between Parker and his Aunt Niki

A beautiful moment for me watching Parker and his Aunt Niki

My beautiful eldest

A beautiful guest across the dinner table

Beautiful cousin kinship

Beautiful mommy moment

Beautiful Daddy moment

Beautiful Dog

Beautiful Fun

Beautiful Day

Simply beautiful.

Cross Promotion

Tuesday, June 06, 2006
written by Monkey

Just a little cross promotion. To all the nerdy folk out there, I've started my own tech blog... let me know how bad I really am at http://tech-monkey.blogspot.com ;)

On the Grounds of Equality in Ohio.

written by Java Junkie

I haven't had a valid drivers license in years. Yeah I know it's hard for most people to believe. In a "go go go go go, let me go, I want to go, I want to go" society, where personal freedom equates to mobility, I don't have a drivers license.

Last week some time I decided that it would probably be a good idea to at least have some sort of valid I.D. The last form of which that I still had in my possession was a drivers license from another state, expired of course. So on Monkey's day off, Wednesday, we hopped in the ol' mini van and headed down to the DMV. While we're waiting in line Monkey is looking at the example novelty plates you can get for your car. You can get Buckeyes, Indian, or Browns plate. You can get a plate with various catch phrases that are supposedly Ohio related. You can get plates with a Free Masons symbol on it, which not only is odd but just a slight bit creepy. While I'm sitting there wondering if cops wouldn't pull you over for speeding if your plate had a Free Masons symbol on it or if you need some secret handshake to even GET one, Monkey points out that there's a Right to Life plate... But no plate for Freedom to Choose.

Before we go any further let me state clearly what my official stance on this controversial subject is. I am NOT "Pro Abortion." I believe, for many, abortion is not the best choice. I believe that all alternatives should be, but rarely are, discussed in detail with women, young and adult, that are considering abortion as an option. Although I don't believe there are nearly the number of girls who do so that some would have us believe, I do acknowledge that there are very rare cases where girls have thrown responsibility out the window with abortion being their "back up plan." I do believe this is an unfortunate and uneducated circumstance that exists in all areas of life. I believe that just because something is not the right path for me, or that I follow certain faith bound guidelines, that it's NO ONE'S place in this country to force that belief or life on me. In short, I believe in a woman's right TO CHOOSE. I am a firm supporter in Pro CHOICE. But that's not what this is about. What this is about is cattle.

It makes me quite a bit concerned that our state government now is using our vehicles as billboards for religious rhetoric and propaganda. I find it disturbing that the two non state related plates were both known right wing agenda advertisements. I find it disgusting that the American public doesn't see this as the violation of their rights that it is. I find it ludicrous that it's been allowed. We are being guided through a maze to the slaughterhouse none the wiser and it's our own faults.

What, exactly, is going to have to happen in this country for our fellow Americans to wake up and take a stand FOR this country? How many rights are going to have to be infringed or even revoked before we rise up to say "enough is enough!" What will you have to lose before you get up off your couch and do something about where this country is going?

It may be a cliche' but knowledge is power. There is a reaction to each action. Don't only write your congress person on topics that you find particularly compelling, but find 10, 20 or even 100 more people willing to do the same thing. I find it so disheartening that people are so uninformed about not only the politicians they elect into office but the very way our government operates. Yes there are almost 300 million people in the United States but one person CAN make a difference. It only takes one person to start a movement.

"I'm too tired." "I'm too busy." "I have no idea where to start." "I honestly don't care." "It won't make a difference." What if our founding fathers would have given these excuses when it came to our independence from British control? You wouldn't be so tired if wages kept pace with the increase in living expenses. You wouldn't be so busy, either. All you need to do to start is to become informed. Read, investigate, explore and research. And sorry for saying so but if you honestly don't care then you really have no right to be in this country at all. If you're disenchanted, find someone who's not to re-kindle your fire. If your still positive, even after you've found all the cheerleaders you can find, that no ones voice makes a difference then what is there left to be an American for? Have pride in your country, know about it. Don't be one of those people who say it's your duty as an American to vote but really have zero idea whom your voting for other than the palaver spewed out by campaign ads.

Whether your pro choice or pro life, the sentiment should be the same. We need to take our country back into the hands of the people. We need to stand together to end the corruption of our government and return it to the principles on which it was founded. We need to know who we're voting into power before we put them there. And we need to be willing to admit that we mis-trusted and made a mistake when the person we put into power turns out to be someone else. We need to NOT be cows herded through the gates to the slaughterhouse.

Politics SHOULD be open to discussion

Monday, June 05, 2006
written by Monkey

I know no one wants to talk about politics, but if it doesn't get talked about it doesn't get listened to, so here's why I'm frustrated this week.
Why do we as a nation feel we need to go back to the stone age by making a constitutional amendment to take away someones rights? All they want is to get married. Why should there be an AMENDMENT to the CONSTITUTION banning this? Churches can ban whatever they want, that's a benefits of religious freedom, which is also in the constitution. However, to force religious beliefs on the general public (be it gay marriage, creationism, or otherwise) is against everything this country was founded on.
They take away our right to privacy, they take away our right to free speech, and now they want to take away our rights to practice our own religious beliefs. Lawmakers in this country today are walking around like they are above the very laws they want to force upon the people that elected them into office, and yet we for some reason continue to elect them again and again.
I wish they would publicly release a list of all the phone logs they've been keeping over the last 5 years so people can see that yes they are directly effected by the things this administration is doing.

Going Gabor on Austin

Friday, June 02, 2006
written by Java Junkie

The first yoga I ever did was to a Denise Austin video. I had fallen ill a couple years before and come to realize that I am a type A personality - had been all my life. I just never realized it because I always had a large amount of physical activity to outlet with. As time went on I noticed that I was becoming more and more stressed about smaller and smaller things. After talking to friends, who were like "uh yeah, duuuhh" I realized I needed someway to relieve stress. After obtaining special permission from my doctor, I decided to try yoga and Denise's video was my introduction.

I'm sure at least some of you recognize her. She's been called a "fitness guru" more than once. Her smiling face has graced many a morning cable exercise and aerobic shows. Oddly, even after having been a fitness instructor, a dance instructor, and having worked out for years, I had no idea who she was. I actually asked my housekeeper (no I wasn't rich, I was simply too ill to keep house) who was also an aerobics instructor, if she had ever heard of her. She "pft"'ed me in disbelief that I didn't.

The video was nice, I have to admit. The first time through I actually almost cried tears of relaxation if that's possible. The second time I was so relaxed that I started laughing when I accidentally caught myself on fire with a candle I had burning on my desk. So yeah, I guess you could say it worked. Unfortunately I didn't stick with it, mostly due to a series of unfortunate events.

Skip ahead 3 1/2 years. Last November Monkey and I decided to go on the South Beach Diet because of the weight we both gained during my pregnancy with Parker. We enjoyed much success, too. He lost 30 lbs and I lost almost 20, and it really wasn't a hard diet to stick to at all, outside of two things. It's monstrously more expensive to buy fresh, non-processed food and prepare it yourself for every single meal and snack and it takes an incredible amount of time and energy to buy fresh, non-processed food and prepare it yourself for every single meal and snack. We made it up close to Christmas. And then *kerplunk*. We fell off the diet wagon because, lets face it, after spending hours and hours Christmas shopping you do not want to come home and spend hours and hours making dinner. You want to grab your phone and dial some of the good stuff and well, Pizza Hut does NOT do carb friendly pizzas damn them all to hell. So it became "Just until the holidays are over" and then "just until things settle down" and then "just until after our birthday" and then... Well you get the point. And when I say we fell off the wagon I mean we fell off the wagon just as it was going over a bridge between two cliffs high above the ocean. "Well we're going back on, so we might as well indulge" became our mantra. Monkey's gained everything back, if not a little more and I've gained 2/3 back. But the absolute worst thing about going on the South Beach Diet, for me, was Denise Austin.

For any of you thinking of SBD, I really cannot sing this way of eating enough praise. I really just cannot. It's a wonderful way of eating and soon I will be going back on it, if only in a modified version better suited for my energy level. And the best advice I can give you is to join their website instead of buying the book, it's at least 100 times the value. Especially if you like newsletters. Because now I get a news letter from smiling crackhea - er I mean Denise Austin every single day. And you know, I don't even think she's a "fitness guru" as much as I do a fitness bandwagon exploiter. "Yoga's the thing? Oh I'll throw out a yoga video. Pilates? Get out your gold card ladies because I have Pilates DVD's up the wahoo." And now I get an email from her, every morning, telling me how Denise Austin works for So and So and how NOT to influence poor eating habits with my kids. Oh shut the fuck up Denise. If you ever once had an original thought it was bleached away years ago by Clairol. If I ever see you in person I'm going to go Zsa Zsa on your ass and smack your botoxed face into a permanent look of shock.

Important post...

Thursday, June 01, 2006
written by Monkey

This may seem odd, but I'm desperate. I need someone to please find me an axe wielding garden gnome with a menacing look on his face. I can't say why... I just need to know where I can get one in the near future.

Things NOT In My Head.

written by Java Junkie

I Had (what I thought was) an awesome SPT post (yeah I know it's Thursday, I've been a little busy.) I had it in my head, half written already, as I was drifting off to sleep last night. I couldn't wait to post it when I woke up. So anxious was I that it was the first thing on my mind this morning instead of the appointment I had to wake up almost 3 hours early for.

Unfortunately for me, I don't have a very good mental data base right before I fall asleep. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of walking, talking bananas that are trying to plant turnips in the middle of the Antarctica and wondering if their peels would turn brown like they do if you put them in the freezer. Yeah I know, I need help, but that's beside the point. This post wasn't any of those things, though. It really was well "written" and good. Sadly, by the time I woke up all I could remember was the title (which no, I'm not going to share in case I remember the actual body and still want to post it.) It did, however, bring me to this post.

Many a time you'll hear me say "I wish I had a {insert gizmo here} in my head so that I could {insert action here} any time I wanted." For instance I wish I had a video camera in my head so that all of those holycowwaytoocute or I'mrecordingthistodocumentthatyousaidthat moments could be captured instead of missing them all together while running to grab the NOT in my head video camera only to return, camera in tow, moment lost. Cue "I wish I had a."

This sounds oddest to those that know me best because of my reaction to movies like Johnny Mnemonic and The Matrix. I wig out at the thought of plugging something into your BRAIN and having it function WITH your, uh, BRAIN. I also, being the ginormous conspiracy theorist that I am, freak out at the possibility of an entity (read: a corrupt government) being able to secretly hack my thoughts. Not because I'm planning on taking over the world but rather because I don't want anyone knowing that I still wear the panties that I wore during pregnancy on laundry day simply because I can't justify throwing them out nor keeping them if I don't use them. Yeah, I know, I need help, but you're missing the point.

My point is that I'm positive I cannot be alone in this. There's no way no one else wished they could blink their eyes and snap a picture of their baby putting a Beany rabbit on his shoulder and walking around the house as if it were some grossly deformed parrot. So without further ado, here's my list of things I wish were in my head, but aren't:

A Video Camera: Already thusly explained

A Camera: Not only to capture moments of friends and family but of that really cool old building that whisked past me on our way out of town.

A GPS: I absolutely can. not. STAND being lost. I've even called the Police on one occasion, in tears, because I was lost. Yes, even Detroit's finest will send out a patrol car to help a crying, lost, woman.

A Polygraph: I have a 14 year old. 'Nuff said.

An electronic calendar with an alarm for birthdays, anniversaries, and special events: I am SUCH a guy in this area. I have even forgotten my OWN birthday... More than once.

A Bablefish: Although the concept of a live fish in my ear gives me the willies that last for a good five minutes, it'd be cool as hell to be able to understand all language, including animal.

I could probably list about 10 more but you get the point and what I really want to know is what your list is. Let me know! :D