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Things NOT In My Head.

Thursday, June 01, 2006
written by Java Junkie

I Had (what I thought was) an awesome SPT post (yeah I know it's Thursday, I've been a little busy.) I had it in my head, half written already, as I was drifting off to sleep last night. I couldn't wait to post it when I woke up. So anxious was I that it was the first thing on my mind this morning instead of the appointment I had to wake up almost 3 hours early for.

Unfortunately for me, I don't have a very good mental data base right before I fall asleep. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of walking, talking bananas that are trying to plant turnips in the middle of the Antarctica and wondering if their peels would turn brown like they do if you put them in the freezer. Yeah I know, I need help, but that's beside the point. This post wasn't any of those things, though. It really was well "written" and good. Sadly, by the time I woke up all I could remember was the title (which no, I'm not going to share in case I remember the actual body and still want to post it.) It did, however, bring me to this post.

Many a time you'll hear me say "I wish I had a {insert gizmo here} in my head so that I could {insert action here} any time I wanted." For instance I wish I had a video camera in my head so that all of those holycowwaytoocute or I'mrecordingthistodocumentthatyousaidthat moments could be captured instead of missing them all together while running to grab the NOT in my head video camera only to return, camera in tow, moment lost. Cue "I wish I had a."

This sounds oddest to those that know me best because of my reaction to movies like Johnny Mnemonic and The Matrix. I wig out at the thought of plugging something into your BRAIN and having it function WITH your, uh, BRAIN. I also, being the ginormous conspiracy theorist that I am, freak out at the possibility of an entity (read: a corrupt government) being able to secretly hack my thoughts. Not because I'm planning on taking over the world but rather because I don't want anyone knowing that I still wear the panties that I wore during pregnancy on laundry day simply because I can't justify throwing them out nor keeping them if I don't use them. Yeah, I know, I need help, but you're missing the point.

My point is that I'm positive I cannot be alone in this. There's no way no one else wished they could blink their eyes and snap a picture of their baby putting a Beany rabbit on his shoulder and walking around the house as if it were some grossly deformed parrot. So without further ado, here's my list of things I wish were in my head, but aren't:

A Video Camera: Already thusly explained

A Camera: Not only to capture moments of friends and family but of that really cool old building that whisked past me on our way out of town.

A GPS: I absolutely can. not. STAND being lost. I've even called the Police on one occasion, in tears, because I was lost. Yes, even Detroit's finest will send out a patrol car to help a crying, lost, woman.

A Polygraph: I have a 14 year old. 'Nuff said.

An electronic calendar with an alarm for birthdays, anniversaries, and special events: I am SUCH a guy in this area. I have even forgotten my OWN birthday... More than once.

A Bablefish: Although the concept of a live fish in my ear gives me the willies that last for a good five minutes, it'd be cool as hell to be able to understand all language, including animal.

I could probably list about 10 more but you get the point and what I really want to know is what your list is. Let me know! :D
12:48 PM ::
  • Oh that there were some device that would let me mainline coffee. THAT would be useful.

    Mostly, though, what I want is the whole housekeeping set up that Jane Jetson had--remember that? The house vacuumed and dusted itself and the laundry did itself and food just APPEARED. I want that.

    By Blogger Susan, at 4:26 PM  
  • Yeah that would be it for sure. At least give me Rosie, right? :D

    By Blogger Java Junkie, at 5:22 PM  
  • I wish I could silence screaming, teething babies with one look.

    (Oliver's mighty cranky today, LOL)

    And I can't tell you how many times I've had the PERFECT blog post all squared away in my head as I'm drifting off to sleep. I'll think to myself, "This post is so perfect, there's NO WAY I'll forget it!" And I go to sleep and forget the whole fuckin' thing. I've got a notebook beside my bed now so I can jot down things like blog posts and grocery items we need. ;)

    By Blogger mama_tulip, at 7:13 PM  
  • I still say I want a little RFID (radio frequency tag) in my arm so everytime I want to pay for groceries, log in to my computer, start my car, open the front door, ect., all I have to do is wave my arm in front of it.

    By Blogger Monkey, at 7:28 PM  
  • Monkey, there is probably already one under that little scar on the back of your neck. Plus the one sewn into your jeans and your wallet, and the one in your shoes. Of course they don't pay for anything, just record WHAT types of things you like to buy.

    As far as what I would like in my head? I think I can speak for at least my immediate family when I say we would like speed control switches so that we can turn up the speed that our brains are processing at depending on whether it is going too slow or too fast. Just ask my four year old and he will demonstrate how the switch works. And then he will install a new "computer brain" for you as your upgrade. Beware... we are preparing him to take over the world.

    By Blogger nmariluna, at 9:00 AM  
  • I want inserts in my brain that let me:
    1. Move slow cars out of the way and change traffic lights to green (and make me invisible to police radar).
    2. Allow me to write code just by thinking it (I can think code faster than I can type correctly).
    3. Speed my reflexes up. I'd love to be able to block more disks while playing ultimate.
    4. Compel people to answer my questions completely honestly.
    5. Translate "wife" into something a human can understand...

    Of course, I have to remember that I need to be careful about what I ask for. Folks would probably start running red lights and crashing into me and then the police wouldn't see me there in need of help. My company would probably chain me to a desk and make me code 24/7 - or I would write code quickly but it would be buggy. I'd probably end up with broken bones from the muscles moving too quickly. I wouldn't really want to hear or be able to deal with the truth. And I'd probably find out that, even in human, the wife doesn't make sense...

    By Anonymous attentive, at 11:29 AM  
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