Back in the Saddle Again!

I'm ready. Ready to start blogging again. Ready to wake up and see the world every day again. Ready to be sociable again... And it feels damned good. Before I continue, to catch you up, if there even IS a "you" anymore out there (i.e. someone actually reading this) - this is a paste from a post that I started to write 9 days ago but never finished..

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I'm fairly sure no one reads this anymore. I'm hoping soon I can change that but not immediately. You see, I kept waiting until there was something good to write about. Something funny or beautiful that wasn't overshadowed by grief and pain and worry. And just as I get to that place something happens and the world spins and down the whole house of cards comes crashing again. Balance has been THAT delicate. Since I last wrote I've suffered from yet another stroke for which I was hospitalized for 4 days while they drew blood vial after blood vial, specialist after specialist trying to get to the reason. So far only one possible cause has been found - one that my cardiologist and GP both think is a good possible cause but one that my neurologist does not. The rheumatologist was on the fence about. A test called a trans-esophogeal echo-cardiogram, in which while under a mild sedative they stick an ultrasound camera down your throat which is roughly the height of a screw driver handle and about one and half again the width of one until it is resting behind your heart, showed that I have a hole between the two upper chambers of my heart and when there is pressure (as in when you hold back a sneeze or when women bare down for push

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From there it would have gone on to say that I had also learned that my dad has another tumor, this one being behind his eye, that they are unable to remove or biopsy.. Why? Because his MRSA infection is so bad it's no longer responding at all to antibiotics - antibiotics that they had to take him off of anyway because he was taking such large quantities (all prescribed) that they were becoming toxic. About 10 minutes after learning this information my dad then dropped an even bigger bombshell on me. He is moving to Australia on April 18th. He already has the ticket, living quarters (a girlfriend lol) and a job lined up for him. His reasoning is "I've always wanted to go and if I don't go now I won't be healthy enough to go in the future." -- To me, however, he said "I'm dying and I want to die someplace nice and warm and beautiful and I don't want your Grandma and Grandpa to see another one of their children pass away before them." I don't blame him for the last at ALL really if he DOES feel that way (let me stress he's never said so) - at least the part about my grandparents because my grandparents lost their daughter, my dad's sister, to cancer when she was just 27 years old. However the selfish part of me wants to shake him and scream "don't you want to spend what time you have left with your family?? Family is what makes life warm and beautiful and WORTH LIVING." However, I'm trying to beat that part of me into submission with reason and understanding and compassion.

Since finding this out I've also found out my parents are getting divorced. Yes I know they've been separated for something like 4 years, and yes I know they're much happier apart than together. Yes I know they've each been dating other people, and yes I know that they will always love me regardless of how they feel about each other. And yes, yes I know that they're just too different in terms of relationships to ever really work things out. I know all of this. Here *tapping my temple*... Getting the rest of me to know it is a little more challenging. Home just doesn't feel like home without them together and this last weekend I even found out that my (step) mom is going to get remarried soon after the divorce is final, and then she'll be selling her house and moving in with her new husband (to-be) Bob. So not only does home not feel like home but home will no longer exist. Even though my dad and mom only got married something like 15 years ago, it was the closest feeling to "home" I've ever had. Probably because growing up we moved roughly once a year. So now I don't have a "home" anymore. Or at least I won't very soon.

I like Bob. I met him for the first time this last weekend and he's funny and sweet. You merely mention that you want something and he's off and running asking if there are any parameters ("do you want mustard or mayo on it?") - AND he's happily and EASILY retired. To put it in my mom's words - "He makes more from his retirement fund than I do working full time." And she's worked for the state for nearly 30 years so she's not exactly what I'd call scraping by either. In fact she said they'll be "wintering" in Florida and every winter they will pay for tickets and accomodations for us for 2 weeks to come see them. How can I think THAT'S bad, right? I don't. But, to be honest, way deep down inside I'd rather have my home. BUT I'm done with all of that. I'm done with crying and feeling sorry for myself and I'm done with freaking out and shutting down. I've had a year of it - "The year from hell" and as they say, "I've had all I can take and I can't take no more." I'm not a crier. Not by nature. I'm not going to even attempt to say I'm not emotional because I am but generally in the past I've gotten pissed instead of sad. I get angry when I feel hurt. But this last year I've done more crying, and more shutting down than I ever knew was possible for me. And believe me, I'm NOT going to tempt fate in THAT department again by saying it has been the worst that it could be... No no no, not going to do that and tempt fate to say "Oh yeah? You think so, huh?" BUT - I'm feeling more like myself every day. I'm feeling stronger because I've made it through these things and more. I'm feeling like it's ok to cry sometimes because it lets what you're afraid of out and I'm feeling like because I've learned this there are now times that I can genuinely smile; genuinely laugh. Genuinely be happy.

Genuinely feel like I can stand up, dust myself off, and climb back into the saddle again.