A VERY good cup of coffee

I woke up a week ago Monday morning to an angel from heaven quacking like a duck and choo choo choooing in my ear. I smiled to myself and closed my eyes, drinking in the sweetness of echos drifting over the baby monitor as Parker played in his crib. It replenished me much in the way it must feel to have a big glass of juice after being in the dessert for a long long time.

I still didn't quite feel myself exactly but to be honest I don't think I'll ever be the person that I was before all of this. The one thing this has really brought home to me is that you need to have the relationship you WANT to have with a person on the last day of their/your life because there are no guarantees and any day could be anyone's last. Don't let one single person in your life leave this world with you saying "I wish I would have seen/called/talked to them more" because there's never a way to take away that regret. Fill your life with your loved ones, near and far. Pick up a pen and a piece of paper and write far away Aunts and Uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews. Hold them as close to you as you can NOW. Life and love and family are far too precious to squander spending the days watching reality TV shows instead of making that phone call to that Nana you don't talk to nearly as often as you should.

As the week went on I caught a bit of a cold and a tummy bug but nothing serious at all, and slowly I started to feel more and more like I could feel the sunshine on my shoulders. Like I could breathe deep the cool morning breeze while I sip my morning coffee. I took advantage of the blankness in my mental space that had been filled with worry, grief and indignant righteousness and got done some of the things that have gone neglected far too long and planned yet other things. I'm also thinking of joining Monkey as a part-time student come spring because as much as I love photography, I haven't taken a class in it since high school and there really is SO much for me to learn. I'm not sure if I'd ever make a career out of it (although I'd like to) but I do feel if I have the opportunity and can at least muster enough energy for 6 - 8 hours a week to devote to something I love and didn't then I wouldn't be the person that I have always been. I wouldn't be the person devoted to self improvement and education and expanding horizons that I've always thought I was and taught my son to be. I would be the worst kind of hypocrite. I would be the kind that blames their downfalls on a few bumps in the road instead of standing up, dusting myself off, and walking toward that expanding horizon.

I feel like my life is changing before my eyes and I'm watching with baited breath waiting to see what will happen next, but in a good way. So much of me, my life, myself was tied up with my mother, her illness, our battles to to address her problems and the energy all of that just drained from me. Now that she is gone and I have said my goodbye to her I feel like I can finally move on with my life and now I have no idea where that will lead. To some that might be frightening. I could be paralyzed with fear not knowing where to go or what to do. But I think in my heart I know that it's opportunity. I may be a little older than most just starting their life but now I get to choose where it leads to. As I sit here drinking a VERY good cup of coffee.




Thank you to all of you for your support. Through posts here, emails and even phone calls I didn't quite feel so alone and you'll never know (I hope) just how much that means.